Imposter syndrome
I am the biggest dork.

This morning I called Brenda, the departmental manager, to get my still somewhat provisional but vetted by the exam board marks. I got a very solid Distinction on my dissertation, and much higher marks on the two courses I hadn't heard about than I'd expected (low 70s, so also distinction). So I ended up with 7 Ds and one Merit (like a B in North American grading).

I don't entirely feel the work I did was good enough to deserve that. The only paper I've reread since submitting it is my dissertation, because I'm turning it into an internal technical report at work. Oh, and I glanced at my strategy essay because I came up with a mission statement and organizational values/goals for myself that I'm considering as I figure out where I'd like to be after March (when my internship in Bristol ends). Other than that, though, I've avoided revisiting my assessed work to minimize the late night self-recrimination regarding things I left out or could have explained better or what have you.

Speaking of self-doubt, though, I'm amused that the D on the project means it's more likely future OR students will borrow my dissertation to read. I hope they enjoy the part of the reflective chapter in which I discuss how writing about the not-yet-as-complete-as-I-want-it scheduling prototype I developed highlighted to me all the things I hadn't yet done, which led to "much gnashing of teeth and self-flagellation."

Anyway, back to the phone call to Brenda:

"Wow, I fooled them all," I said in amazed glee.
"Well," she replied, "you did it rather consistently and at a high level. Perhaps the only one fooled was you."

After hanging up, I bounced around my parents' basement like a 5 year old. Yay! My degree classification could still change if the LSE-wide exam board thinks the department board was wrong (or something... it's a very odd process, and new this year, so even Brenda isn't sure how likely marks are to change), but I'm reasonably confident about getting distinction overall. Yay! I'm willing to suffer the consequent imposter syndrome.
- posted by Christina @ 8:50 am